My life is an absolute mess.
Is it really because I don't have a permanent home? Or is it because I can't settle down in one place and just stay there? Wait, that means the same thing. Damn it.
I decided to start a new journal even though I already have one on Wordpress because that one is a mess, it's not only a journal but also somewhere I post about entertainment stuff, so yeah. Anyway, I have a Principles of Marketing and Production Management tomorrow, but as usual - I can't sleep.
I feel so empty sometimes. It gets me wondering whether life can really exceed your expectations. If I ever feel half-fulfilled at the end of my life - that's a miracle. Out of all the plans I've had since I was old enough to understand that people need to know what they want out of life, my plans have never gone on the straight and narrow. Even though when I think about it now, my life is right now better than I could ever imagine, it just gets me wondering.
I can't call my home country where I was born as my home anymore. I barely know the place. I can't even stand to go there anymore ever since I turned legal (17 in Indonesia). Is it because I'm not as eloquent formally with my Indonesian? Is it because of the unbearable traffic jam? Is it because of the rising crime? Or is it because of the weather and pollution?
I think it's all the above.
Out of all the countries I've lived in, I find Singapore most homey - but that's what I thought when I lived in Sydney. And in Perth. Also in Jakarta.
I don't blame my parents (my Dad) for my situation - I'm very grateful for it, but I just can't help to wonder. Would my life have been better if my Dad didn't work in an airline company and instead put his law degree to use and become an attorney? But if he became an attorney, I wouldn't be able to live overseas most of my life. I could probably go to school overseas, but would I be as fluent in English as I am right now?
Sometimes I wish that things would have been different, but I think I'm already blessed enough. Let's just hope the One up there will bless me more.
Wishing to go to the UK next year,
Widya
15 years ago
